In Which She Changes Her Mind

12 December 2008

Not in the sense you might think. Not like, I thought I would go to the cafe but then I changed my mind and decided to go running. I mean that my mind is changing; my thoughts are changing. Last night I stayed up until 2am on skype with my best friend, and had to wake up at quarter to eight to get the kids ready for school. When they left the house at 8,25 I thought I'd pop back into bed for an extra hour's rest. Pulled down the shades, closed my door, tucked the blankets under my chin... Nothing. Couldn't sleep, could hardly rest. Whereas in college I could sleep at the drop of a hat, at nearly any time of day, this is why I can no longer relax:

Okay, I have to get out of the house this morning-- I'll go for a run-- I'll go to the gym because when I run in this cold it activates that old injury-- yeah, then if I go to the gym I can stop and get the cheese for the boys' lunch-- but it's the small DiPerDi [grocery store] which means they might only have the kids of mozzarella that R doesn't like to eat, so if he doesn't what else can I give them?-- Lauren, go to sleep! Go to sleep. You're going out tonight, and then waking up at 7am to take a train to Genova. Go to sleep-- I'd love to take them outside today, it's finally sunny. What can I give them for snack? Their parents won't do the big grocery shop until tomorrow... chocolate milk and cookies? Neither of them will eat fruit-- Check the clock, how much longer is this nap supposed to be?-- R has gymnastics today, F has catechism, I have to do F's English lesson. The parent-teacher meeting yesterday confirmed that he's bright but he lies a lot, especially about homework... how can we fix-- That's not your job, Lauren, just snack and afternoons. But then again, how can you lead by example when you're gone all the time? Maybe you shouldn't go awa-- Oh! Have to help R choose some toys to throw out to make room for Christmas things. What to get him for Christmas? Already bought one twin present for them, but then found another little tihng for R. Not yet for F. Maybe a board game, but if it's too hard they can't play it together, F can only play with one of his parents and then R will be all alone and then he will want to play, they won't be able to play, they'll lose the pieces-- We should go visit their grandma today. We havne't seen her for over a week. They will fight me, though, they hate going there because she doesn't have any toys. She does let them watch tv, though. Maybe I can get them a movie for tonight, but the money they gave me is running out-- Okay, run and the mozzarella and then home again, prepare F's lesson, pack for Genova (or I can pack tonight) (no, I'm going out tonight) (at what time? sometime after dinner, but not too late I hope because I have to get up at 7am) (I can sleep on the train) (no, the earmy morning train ride wil be gorgeous! Stay awake. You can nap this morning, instead.) (I AM napping!), kids have lunch, done by 2pm, P will take F to catechism, I'll play with R until we go pick up F, I need to make some photocopies but don't know if there's a copy place near the church... don't want to wander when I have the kids with me, they'll complain and it's too cold to bribe them with gelato, but maybe a hot chocolate-- then home for two hours, then gymnastics and English, then home for dinner and I go out and then I go to Genova and then it's Christmas-- how much longer do I have to nap? When--

I just don't nap. I can't. Not anymore. It's "What will they like? How long will it take? Will they fight over it, or can they share it? Does it mean I'll pay more attention to one and not the other? Is it educational/healthy/entertaining/safe? Can I do something else in the meanwhile?" My life is no longer my life, but theirs. I know that there are some au pairs, especially the live-out au pairs (who don't live with the family for whom they work) who simply co-exist with their host families, but I'm not the type of person to do that. Which means that I've given up naps - and peace of mind - for the time being.